I'm Not Perfect.

So, I thought I'd post this just so everyone knows my heart right now.

I'm not skinny.
I'm not thin.
I'm not a model.

I'm fat.
I'm chubby.
I guess I could be a plus sized model...

There. It's out there.

Now here's this:

Just because I'm fat doesn't mean I like being this way. It doesn't mean I WANT to look like this. And it absolutely doesn't mean I should automatically be open to insult.

I'd love to be fit actually. So I could praise the Lord without having to pause to pull up my pants, or pull down my shirt, or catch my breath. I'd love to be in shape so I could do what I love; RUN. I'd love to be thin so I could feel better about myself.

Because, I do have self esteem issues due to years and years of brutal bullying. I was picked on in the worst ways possible. I've seen the worst of mankind. I've been their victim.

But at the same time. Right now. At this very moment. I don't care enough about how I look to try and diet and do all that. I'm an active heavy person. I eat healthy. Just because I'm fat doesn't mean all I do is sit around and shove food in my face. I eat maybe, MAYBE two meals a day to be honest. I just don't eat a lot. But I'm still big.

I also want to put it out there that yes, physical discipline is a great thing to have in your walk with Christ. But, come one, your body should reveal the Glory of God? What is that bull honky? God can shine through a obese, wheel-chair bound man if He wants to. Yeah, be fit for God. Definitly. I don't want my weight to restrict what I'm doing for the Lord, but God's Glory shines on big and small alike.

All this is being said because lately, for the first time in 2 years, my body shape has been being shoved in my face. I've been called fat more than twice this year. Most of you probably don't know what it feels like.

Let me tell you, it sucks being made to feel so small that you're worth nothing. Insults to my physical appearance cut me SO deep. Think of the worst thing someone could say to you, multiply it by 5, and you'll have an inkling of how embarrassing it is. I HATE feeling ugly. Because when I ask the question "am I lovely?" all I hear from myself is NO. And no matter what anyone else says, I still hear NO. I want to be delivered from this!!

Anywho, I just wanted to get this off my chest, because it needs to be.

Just because I'm big doesn't mean it's an open door to be a jerk to me.
It doesn't mean I WANT to be like this.
And it doesn't mean I'm gross, and I don't care about myself.

It means I made mistakes.
God will work it out.
If I'm meant to stay big, great.
If He wants to toss off a few pounds, sweet.
But I refuse to get caught up in self-image.

I love you guys.
-Katie