I don't know if anyone else has really noticed it but recently the Lord has really been revealing His Father heart at DBC. I know just about everyone I talk to has been being worked on by the Lord concerning their earthly fathers.
I'm one of them.
Since about January, I've been realizing things about my dad that I never noticed, or cared to notice before. God's been bringing up past hurts, and it really stinks. I've spent my whole life ignoring the fact that my dad left a huge emotional scar on my heart. I've brushed it to the side and acted as though it was nothing more than just a little scrape, when in reality it's this huge infected gaping hole that I haven't allowed God to heal. I'm going to pretty much spill my heart in this blog because I need to, and it's going to get messy.
I need to get it off my chest, and I'm hoping it will help someone else in a rough spot with their dad.
When I was about 2 years old my parents split up. I don't really remember them fighting but I know they didn't get along. I'm not sure if my memories of them fighting are real or something my mind has conceived out of things they've told me.
I grew up without my dad there to teach me to ride a bike, or kiss my scratched knee's. When I was around him, he mentally wasn't there because he was either on drugs or drinking. I mean, he did try, and I do have several memories of this. Such as, when he made it a point to be there for my first day of school every year in elementary school. We'd cruise up to the drop-off point blasting AC/DC and I'd feel like I had the COOLEST dad in the universe. Or when my parents were still together and he spun me around over his head and called me Superwoman. Things like that are there, but very few, and very far between.
Growing up without a father caused me to replace that father-less hole with other things. Like boys. I was a ridiculous tomboy in elementary school, and I hung out with nothing but guys well into high school. I just wanted to be one of the guys. This had a pretty negative effect on me and I had to learn to not be so dependent on boys after becoming a Christian. Which was hard, but by the grace of God I grew more partial to being around girls.
Anywho, my dad has been very much absent my entire life, and has chosen drugs and (at one point) a woman over me. Leaving me feeling betrayed and alone, even though he was hardly there. I still have a scar from this and it's very, very raw. The Lord's been showing me this hurt and how it's effecting our relationship.
-I don't trust my father; so it's hard to trust God.
-My dad chose things over me; I'm afraid God will choose things over me.
So on and so forth.
The biggest issue seems to be that I don't even have the slightest clue what it means, or what it feels like to be a daughter to a father. I've never had that relationship. Never. Is that not crazy to anyone else? I do not and probably will not ever know what it feels like to be a daughter to my dad. This breaks me. It's tears open that scar so easily, like my heart is paper thin. I don't know what it feels like to be loved by a father.
-This has taken a toll on my relationship with God.
-My relationship with authority.
-And my relationship with the opposite sex.
I'm almost terrified of men. I have this deep fear that when I meet my future husband, he'll abandon me. Or, bore of me. I'm scared of divorce, because it's all I know. I'm scared because I don't know what marriage is supposed to look like.
All of this stuff is coming to the surface and wrecking me. I have done nothing but forgive my father my whole life. I've never hated him, and believe me I've tried. I can't. I love him. So much. So much it hurts me to call him because I'm terrified that we'll begin to get a relationship and he'll just drop me again. I don't blame him for anything though. I don't want this blog to make my dad sound like the worst father ever, because he's not. He did how he knew best to do. It's just that our lack of relationship has wrecked my relationship with God and I'm devastated because I'm desperate to touch Him, but I'm held back by my fear of rejection. I'm in a back and forth battle with that fear.
It's like there's God on one side, me on the other, and my fifty foot fear in the middle pushing me away every time I throw myself toward the arms of Jesus.
I need to be free of this.
I need to see Him!
I have to know Him as Daddy, and REALLY know that He's my father.
Pastor Jeff gave such beautiful examples of God as Dad using his daughter and her love and trust for him.
I want that!
I want to be the little girl that runs to her Daddy with a busted knee and begs Him to "kiss it better".
I want to sit in my Daddy's lap and curl His big burly beard in my fingers and giggle at His funny faces.
I want to play at the feet of my Father, while He watches on, His broad face consumed by an expression so loving that onlookers would coo.
I want to bury my face in the musky neck of my Daddy at night while He rocks me, the bass of His voice lulling me to sleep.
I want Him to attack me with tickles until I can't even breathe.
I want His massive arms to carry me when I'm so distraught, I've given up on walking.
I want to see Him in the distance and drop everything to run to Him and wrap my arms and legs around Him in the biggest bear hug known to MAN KIND!
I want Him to be the Father I never knew.
The Father I never had.
And I want to be the daughter I couldn't be.
The daughter I wanted to be.
God. I need revelation of who I am to you as a daughter. I need you to reveal Your heart to me. Open things up to me that I've never known before. Please keep bringing the painful things to the surface so that You can heal them. I promise, to the best of my weak ability, I will trust You during the whole process and I will focus on Your beautiful face. Purify me, Daddy. Make me the daughter You would delight in! Amen!!!
Kathryn.
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