I don't even have the words right now.
Just know that I trust You, Lord, with everything that I am and everything that I have.
Guide me.
10.10.2009
9.30.2009
A Heart Set Ablaze
I want an old school fire.
I want a "John Wesley, Martin Luther, George Whitefield, Charles Spurgeon, Leonard Ravenhill" kind of fire. I'm sick of this "emergent, make everyone happy" fire. That's not fire. Fire burns.
I want to be burnt alive by the fire of God. Not made comfortable by the fire of this world.
There's got to be more of God than the world is giving me.
This can't be all.
I will find this fire.
I will find the presence of the God who is a 'consuming fire'.
Even if it means the end of my life.
Mark my words.
I want a "John Wesley, Martin Luther, George Whitefield, Charles Spurgeon, Leonard Ravenhill" kind of fire. I'm sick of this "emergent, make everyone happy" fire. That's not fire. Fire burns.
I want to be burnt alive by the fire of God. Not made comfortable by the fire of this world.
There's got to be more of God than the world is giving me.
This can't be all.
I will find this fire.
I will find the presence of the God who is a 'consuming fire'.
Even if it means the end of my life.
Mark my words.
"I set myself on fire and people come to watch me burn."
-John Wesley
9.21.2009
Jesus Loves Me This I know.
One day I'll look back on all of this, and I'll truly see just how FAR You have brought me, O Lord.
"Lay Hold"
Lay your life, your dreams, your desires, your sin at the foot of the cross.
Pick up HIS dreams, HIS desires, HIS burdens.
And above all else, pick up your cross and GO!
And don't you ever look back at what you've left behind.
Just know that it's covered by the blood, and will no longer be held against you.
When you stumble, get up quickly and dust yourself off, lest you tarry in your sin.
When you trip, regain composure and ask God for His strength.
Do not look to the left nor to the right, lest your eyes be enticed by the lusts of this world.
Just press on and press through, fighting the good fight of faith, and persevering, making sure to stop along the way to aid any fallen brethren, and to encourage any lagging behind.
And when you make it to that Glorious City, where for eternity, you will be praising the God that poured out His rich mercy on you;
When you make it to the throne room, with it's thousands of believers worshiping at the feet of God;
Make sure you find me.
So I can throw my arms around your neck and tell you how glad I am that you made it, and how excited I am to worship God with you until forever more.
You are my family.
And we will win this fight together, by the grace of our Lord Jesus!!
Because:
He. Is. Worthy.
We will take the Nations together, by the grace of God!!
Because:
He. Is. WORTHY.
So, GO.
Go, and never return.
'It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.'
Pick up HIS dreams, HIS desires, HIS burdens.
And above all else, pick up your cross and GO!
And don't you ever look back at what you've left behind.
Just know that it's covered by the blood, and will no longer be held against you.
When you stumble, get up quickly and dust yourself off, lest you tarry in your sin.
When you trip, regain composure and ask God for His strength.
Do not look to the left nor to the right, lest your eyes be enticed by the lusts of this world.
Just press on and press through, fighting the good fight of faith, and persevering, making sure to stop along the way to aid any fallen brethren, and to encourage any lagging behind.
And when you make it to that Glorious City, where for eternity, you will be praising the God that poured out His rich mercy on you;
When you make it to the throne room, with it's thousands of believers worshiping at the feet of God;
Make sure you find me.
So I can throw my arms around your neck and tell you how glad I am that you made it, and how excited I am to worship God with you until forever more.
You are my family.
And we will win this fight together, by the grace of our Lord Jesus!!
Because:
He. Is. Worthy.
We will take the Nations together, by the grace of God!!
Because:
He. Is. WORTHY.
So, GO.
Go, and never return.
'It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.'
Dear God:
If I could sing you a thousand love songs, I would.
But you see, I have trouble finding the words sometimes, and I don't exactly know how to express myself most of the time. I'm clumsy and I can be pretty awkward. My feelings get hurt pretty easy, and I'm not as tough as I act sometimes.
I'm laying here, Lord, and I'm wondering, why did You make me the way I am?
Why did you give me a heart full of so much love that I feel like it's going to explode on people at any given moment?
Why did you give me a love for animals that impacts me so much that I try to pray for animals that are hurt to be healed?
Why have you put the urge to be married and have a husband so deep in my heart?
Why do I cry when I see a beautiful sunrise or sunset?
Why do I feel at peace during a thunderstorm?
Why does my heart beat faster when I see two people deeply in love?
Why do I have blue/green eyes and blonde hair?
Why do I love to have friends?
Why does music about You give me the chills?
Why do I laugh when I feel rain on my skin?
Why do words have such meaning for me?
Why do I cry for no reason at all sometimes?
Why do I get so afraid of my future?
Why do I play some songs on repeat and still never tire of them?
Why is my favorite season winter?
Why do I want to hold someone's hand one day, and never let go?
Why do I get so mad sometimes?
Why don't I like myself a lot of the time?
Why do you put specific people in my life that make me feel so much love and beauty, but then take them away?
Why can't I get over this stupid love nonsense and just be satisfied with You?
Why can't I forgive myself?
Why can't I feel you sometimes?
Why is it so hard to just drop it all and seek Your heart?
Why do I always have to mess up and hurt You?
Why do I put so much trust in my feelings?
Why do I ask so many stupid questions?
Why can't I see what you're doing with my life?
Why can't I just freaking cry until it hurts like I know I need too?
Why are you breaking my heart right now?
I am SO insecure.
I am SO inadequate.
I am SO unprepared.
I am SO broken.
I am SO messy.
I want all of this love and all of these things, but I am far from ready. I am still such a wreck. I just want to cry! But the tears refuse to come. My heart is heavy, and I am lost on what to do.
I'm not doubting my salvation or struggling in my walk.
It's just one of those times when your insides hurt and you want to be broken by God but it won't come.
I let my head and my heart get the best of my sometimes and it never ends up good.
There's not a specific reason I feel this way, but suddenly the feelings are there.
Mm.
The Lord is good despite how I feel or how it looks to me.
God.. "Sometimes I cry when it's late at night, and You're not there to lay next to me."
At least it feels that way.
I love You.
But you see, I have trouble finding the words sometimes, and I don't exactly know how to express myself most of the time. I'm clumsy and I can be pretty awkward. My feelings get hurt pretty easy, and I'm not as tough as I act sometimes.
I'm laying here, Lord, and I'm wondering, why did You make me the way I am?
Why did you give me a heart full of so much love that I feel like it's going to explode on people at any given moment?
Why did you give me a love for animals that impacts me so much that I try to pray for animals that are hurt to be healed?
Why have you put the urge to be married and have a husband so deep in my heart?
Why do I cry when I see a beautiful sunrise or sunset?
Why do I feel at peace during a thunderstorm?
Why does my heart beat faster when I see two people deeply in love?
Why do I have blue/green eyes and blonde hair?
Why do I love to have friends?
Why does music about You give me the chills?
Why do I laugh when I feel rain on my skin?
Why do words have such meaning for me?
Why do I cry for no reason at all sometimes?
Why do I get so afraid of my future?
Why do I play some songs on repeat and still never tire of them?
Why is my favorite season winter?
Why do I want to hold someone's hand one day, and never let go?
Why do I get so mad sometimes?
Why don't I like myself a lot of the time?
Why do you put specific people in my life that make me feel so much love and beauty, but then take them away?
Why can't I get over this stupid love nonsense and just be satisfied with You?
Why can't I forgive myself?
Why can't I feel you sometimes?
Why is it so hard to just drop it all and seek Your heart?
Why do I always have to mess up and hurt You?
Why do I put so much trust in my feelings?
Why do I ask so many stupid questions?
Why can't I see what you're doing with my life?
Why can't I just freaking cry until it hurts like I know I need too?
Why are you breaking my heart right now?
I am SO insecure.
I am SO inadequate.
I am SO unprepared.
I am SO broken.
I am SO messy.
I want all of this love and all of these things, but I am far from ready. I am still such a wreck. I just want to cry! But the tears refuse to come. My heart is heavy, and I am lost on what to do.
I'm not doubting my salvation or struggling in my walk.
It's just one of those times when your insides hurt and you want to be broken by God but it won't come.
I let my head and my heart get the best of my sometimes and it never ends up good.
There's not a specific reason I feel this way, but suddenly the feelings are there.
Mm.
The Lord is good despite how I feel or how it looks to me.
God.. "Sometimes I cry when it's late at night, and You're not there to lay next to me."
At least it feels that way.
I love You.
Cute Requests.
Took this from a friend and changed some things around, but kept some things as well. I'm just posting this for the heck of it. =]
Definitely:
..must love Jesus more than anything or anyone on the face of the planet and it will be obvious.
...must be operating in some/all of his spiritual gifts when I meet him.
...must be a virgin (renewed and purified in Christ or literally)
...must treat his mother with respect and honor and kindness, but will not be tied down to her beck and call.
...must drive his own car.
...must be into reading the Word with me and praying with me.
...must be able to teach/lead me in the Lord and receive from me as well.
...must be able to do his own laundry.
...must be able to clean and cook decently.
...must be able to budget.
...must have a job.
...must NOT be arrogant, overly jerkish, or overpowering.
...must have lived with roommates (not girls)
...must love hip hop, hardcore, and indie or at least appreciate them.
...must take interest in whatever i am passionate about.
...must be wise about entertainment he chooses to take in.
...must keep me accountable, but encourage me to have female accountability (and have his own male accountability)
...must love my FAMILY.
...must exemplify traits of my husband, Jesus: kind, patient, gracious, prudent, thoughtful, meek, clever, funny, doting when it comes to complimenting or encouraging me, righteously jealous, true, joyful, knowledgeable about an array of subjects, wearing a mantle of authority.
Hopefully...
...will have chops or a pleasant scruffiness (and also look good clean-shaven).
...will have stretched ears.
...will be able to dress well and not look gay in metro-ish clothes.
...will have a super cute personality.
...will SOMETIMES let me pick what he wears, and how he does his hair. I won't be demanding and scary of course, but once and a while I might like to see him wear a certain shirt, or have his hair a certain way.
...will let me pick his cologne. Face it, some things smell awful. I'll let you pick mine, if you let me pick yours. =]
...will have nice arms.
...will be able to protect me physically.
...will want to go to on missions some day.
...will love all kinds of food and be able to expose me to new tastes.
...will be romantic.
...will like to take me on dates.
...will take me to a fancy restaurant once in a while and get all dressed up and look super GQ and genuinely think I look gorgeous (and tell me so, of course).
...will send me flowers.
...will like to go on adventures and travel.
...will figure out/find out my favorite flower(s) without me telling him.
...will "study" me and surprise me with what he knows.
...will keep me guessing.
...will like my short hair/no hair/long hair/colored hair/whatever hair.
...will be honest when he doesn't happen to approve of one of my fashion endeavors, but let me be me (within modesty parameters).
...will take and give constructive criticism in general.
...will be able to expose me to new musical tastes/artists.
...will be tenacious and passionate about the Lord and whatever He gives him to do or take interest in.
...will have tattoos and want/like me to have them.
...will like to/know how to/at least try to rollerskate, go bowling, arcade with me from time to time, swim.
...will pursue me as well as wait for me.
...will fight for me (physically, spiritually).
...will always opt to communicate rather than run from uncomfortable conversations.
...will support me, motivate me, sharpen me, and take care of me.
While all these are nice. I know that what the Lord has in store for me will be my standard, and that He will give me the desires of my heart. I'm not looking for a perfect mold fit, because I know I won't find it. Above all of these awesome traits, I want my husband to simply LOVE Jesus, and love me the way Jesus demands husbands to love their wives. =]
The end.
-Katie
Definitely:
..must love Jesus more than anything or anyone on the face of the planet and it will be obvious.
...must be operating in some/all of his spiritual gifts when I meet him.
...must be a virgin (renewed and purified in Christ or literally)
...must treat his mother with respect and honor and kindness, but will not be tied down to her beck and call.
...must drive his own car.
...must be into reading the Word with me and praying with me.
...must be able to teach/lead me in the Lord and receive from me as well.
...must be able to do his own laundry.
...must be able to clean and cook decently.
...must be able to budget.
...must have a job.
...must NOT be arrogant, overly jerkish, or overpowering.
...must have lived with roommates (not girls)
...must love hip hop, hardcore, and indie or at least appreciate them.
...must take interest in whatever i am passionate about.
...must be wise about entertainment he chooses to take in.
...must keep me accountable, but encourage me to have female accountability (and have his own male accountability)
...must love my FAMILY.
...must exemplify traits of my husband, Jesus: kind, patient, gracious, prudent, thoughtful, meek, clever, funny, doting when it comes to complimenting or encouraging me, righteously jealous, true, joyful, knowledgeable about an array of subjects, wearing a mantle of authority.
Hopefully...
...will have chops or a pleasant scruffiness (and also look good clean-shaven).
...will have stretched ears.
...will be able to dress well and not look gay in metro-ish clothes.
...will have a super cute personality.
...will SOMETIMES let me pick what he wears, and how he does his hair. I won't be demanding and scary of course, but once and a while I might like to see him wear a certain shirt, or have his hair a certain way.
...will let me pick his cologne. Face it, some things smell awful. I'll let you pick mine, if you let me pick yours. =]
...will have nice arms.
...will be able to protect me physically.
...will want to go to on missions some day.
...will love all kinds of food and be able to expose me to new tastes.
...will be romantic.
...will like to take me on dates.
...will take me to a fancy restaurant once in a while and get all dressed up and look super GQ and genuinely think I look gorgeous (and tell me so, of course).
...will send me flowers.
...will like to go on adventures and travel.
...will figure out/find out my favorite flower(s) without me telling him.
...will "study" me and surprise me with what he knows.
...will keep me guessing.
...will like my short hair/no hair/long hair/colored hair/whatever hair.
...will be honest when he doesn't happen to approve of one of my fashion endeavors, but let me be me (within modesty parameters).
...will take and give constructive criticism in general.
...will be able to expose me to new musical tastes/artists.
...will be tenacious and passionate about the Lord and whatever He gives him to do or take interest in.
...will have tattoos and want/like me to have them.
...will like to/know how to/at least try to rollerskate, go bowling, arcade with me from time to time, swim.
...will pursue me as well as wait for me.
...will fight for me (physically, spiritually).
...will always opt to communicate rather than run from uncomfortable conversations.
...will support me, motivate me, sharpen me, and take care of me.
While all these are nice. I know that what the Lord has in store for me will be my standard, and that He will give me the desires of my heart. I'm not looking for a perfect mold fit, because I know I won't find it. Above all of these awesome traits, I want my husband to simply LOVE Jesus, and love me the way Jesus demands husbands to love their wives. =]
The end.
-Katie
"You Put The Stars In The Sky And You Know Them By Name."
Well, as everyone probably knows from my recent blogs, status', bulletins, demeanor, etc. I've been having a VERY rough time lately. I've been feeling very down, and feeling far from God. I've been pressing on, but it's been hard.
Well, last night at bible study Pastor Cleetus prayed, and asked us to pray with him, for visions, dreams, and visitations. I prayed for this of course, and I was pretty doubtful that I would ever get to see it. Not doubtful that God can do it, just that I'd be the one He'd do it for. Pastor kept having us pray because he felt like people were doubting, haha. So I kept praying. Well, anyway, after that I sat there for a while and thought about what I'd do if I ever saw anything like that, and how if an angel visited me, or Jesus Himself for that matter, I'd never walk away from God and it'd be so easy to believe. Eventually I got up and went about my normal business.
Anyway, after the typical trip to Rosa's, around 11 pm some of us (Anthony, Terisa, Ryan, Aaron, Nicole, Brandon, and I) decided to take a little trip to Prayer Mountain in Dallas mostly because they've been wanting to see it. Already having been once before, and loved it, I agreed to go, eagerly.
Once we got there, we walked around a bit and explored and I took some pictures. We stumbled upon a group of twenty-somethings drinking, and Anthony stayed to evangelize, while Aaron, Ryan and I walked off. We went and stood on the deck overlooking the city and just chilled. Finally everyone else came over, and Nicole said, "If you look at the sky long enough, you'll see a shooting star." Interested, I craned my neck upward and stared at the sky for a while. Aaron had laid down on the deck as this point and was watching for one too. The position I was in, standing with my neck awkwardly craned upward, got uncomfortable after a few minutes and everyone was getting ready to go and walking off, except Aaron and I. Loosing heart I step back and yell at the top of my lungs, "I WANT TO SEE ONE SHOOTING STAR, LORD! JUST ONE! Please.." And I stared at the sky for a few minutes, sad because I would probably not see what I wanted, and bummed because I'd walk away with another reason to doubt...
When all of a sudden the tiniest, quickest shooting star shoots right across the little patch of sky my eyes were trained on, not to the side, or out of the corner of my eye, no, it was perfectly mid-view, and JUST quick enough for me to catch. I shout, Aaron jumps up and yells, "OH MY GOSH!", and I start to laugh, then grab my head and say, "I'm going to cry.." And I walk off the deck, utterly freaking out all over and I can't stand under the weight of the Holy Spirit, so I fall to my knee's and weep. I weep harder than I have in a while. I weep because I ever doubted God. But then I laugh. I laugh as hard as I have in a while. I laugh because God did that for me! Just for me! Then I go back to crying, and I repeat this strange jump from laughing to crying to laughing several times until I'm finally on my face. Then I roll onto my back and laugh one long, last time. In the midst of this crazy Holy Spirit moment, everyone walks over and I can hear them talking to Aaron. Someone asks, "What's wrong with Katie?" And he explains what we saw, and everyone's blown away. Aaron's like, "God answered Katie's prayer!" I'm just thinking, "You have no idea!" At this point, no one can tell whether I'm laughing or crying, and I truly can't either.
After everyone walks off again, I sit up and move back over to the deck. I'm sitting there alone, and I start bawling again. I'm thinking about how this proves God is real. And how if God is real then what Jesus did for me is real too. This breaks my heart even more and I just cry. Finally they come back over and we all hang around for a bit and talk about what happened. Anthony's like, "Aaron's your witness that this is legit." And Aaron's talking about how, "After you shouted, I said in my head 'send a shooting star, Lord' and the next thing I know I see one." And I'm just sitting there, not wanting to ever leave that spot, and just taking it all in.
Finally, we decide to head out, and I leave with the knowledge that after that moment nothing can ever be the same in my life. And I realize that if it does stay the same that I might as well walk away from God, especially after seeing something to that caliber.
It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a vision. And it wasn't an angelic visitation. But it was exactly what I needed after a month of begging God to make this all real to me. I count it a form of visitation. It was definitely a sign/wonder. The Lord reached through the folds of time and space just to show me He loved me. He manifested His power just for me that night. Just to think that thousands of years ago, He saw this moment, and set that star up to shoot by in that exact spot I was looking at the exact right time, and not a minute before or after.
Praise Him.
Wow.
Sorry if this is a rough blog.
I'm exhausted.
=]
-Katie
Well, last night at bible study Pastor Cleetus prayed, and asked us to pray with him, for visions, dreams, and visitations. I prayed for this of course, and I was pretty doubtful that I would ever get to see it. Not doubtful that God can do it, just that I'd be the one He'd do it for. Pastor kept having us pray because he felt like people were doubting, haha. So I kept praying. Well, anyway, after that I sat there for a while and thought about what I'd do if I ever saw anything like that, and how if an angel visited me, or Jesus Himself for that matter, I'd never walk away from God and it'd be so easy to believe. Eventually I got up and went about my normal business.
Anyway, after the typical trip to Rosa's, around 11 pm some of us (Anthony, Terisa, Ryan, Aaron, Nicole, Brandon, and I) decided to take a little trip to Prayer Mountain in Dallas mostly because they've been wanting to see it. Already having been once before, and loved it, I agreed to go, eagerly.
Once we got there, we walked around a bit and explored and I took some pictures. We stumbled upon a group of twenty-somethings drinking, and Anthony stayed to evangelize, while Aaron, Ryan and I walked off. We went and stood on the deck overlooking the city and just chilled. Finally everyone else came over, and Nicole said, "If you look at the sky long enough, you'll see a shooting star." Interested, I craned my neck upward and stared at the sky for a while. Aaron had laid down on the deck as this point and was watching for one too. The position I was in, standing with my neck awkwardly craned upward, got uncomfortable after a few minutes and everyone was getting ready to go and walking off, except Aaron and I. Loosing heart I step back and yell at the top of my lungs, "I WANT TO SEE ONE SHOOTING STAR, LORD! JUST ONE! Please.." And I stared at the sky for a few minutes, sad because I would probably not see what I wanted, and bummed because I'd walk away with another reason to doubt...
When all of a sudden the tiniest, quickest shooting star shoots right across the little patch of sky my eyes were trained on, not to the side, or out of the corner of my eye, no, it was perfectly mid-view, and JUST quick enough for me to catch. I shout, Aaron jumps up and yells, "OH MY GOSH!", and I start to laugh, then grab my head and say, "I'm going to cry.." And I walk off the deck, utterly freaking out all over and I can't stand under the weight of the Holy Spirit, so I fall to my knee's and weep. I weep harder than I have in a while. I weep because I ever doubted God. But then I laugh. I laugh as hard as I have in a while. I laugh because God did that for me! Just for me! Then I go back to crying, and I repeat this strange jump from laughing to crying to laughing several times until I'm finally on my face. Then I roll onto my back and laugh one long, last time. In the midst of this crazy Holy Spirit moment, everyone walks over and I can hear them talking to Aaron. Someone asks, "What's wrong with Katie?" And he explains what we saw, and everyone's blown away. Aaron's like, "God answered Katie's prayer!" I'm just thinking, "You have no idea!" At this point, no one can tell whether I'm laughing or crying, and I truly can't either.
After everyone walks off again, I sit up and move back over to the deck. I'm sitting there alone, and I start bawling again. I'm thinking about how this proves God is real. And how if God is real then what Jesus did for me is real too. This breaks my heart even more and I just cry. Finally they come back over and we all hang around for a bit and talk about what happened. Anthony's like, "Aaron's your witness that this is legit." And Aaron's talking about how, "After you shouted, I said in my head 'send a shooting star, Lord' and the next thing I know I see one." And I'm just sitting there, not wanting to ever leave that spot, and just taking it all in.
Finally, we decide to head out, and I leave with the knowledge that after that moment nothing can ever be the same in my life. And I realize that if it does stay the same that I might as well walk away from God, especially after seeing something to that caliber.
It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a vision. And it wasn't an angelic visitation. But it was exactly what I needed after a month of begging God to make this all real to me. I count it a form of visitation. It was definitely a sign/wonder. The Lord reached through the folds of time and space just to show me He loved me. He manifested His power just for me that night. Just to think that thousands of years ago, He saw this moment, and set that star up to shoot by in that exact spot I was looking at the exact right time, and not a minute before or after.
Praise Him.
Wow.
Sorry if this is a rough blog.
I'm exhausted.
=]
-Katie
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