Dear blog,
I made a new friend.
He likes Christian rap.
That's pretty rad, if ya ask me.
Yay, rad friend!

Unafraid

I've decided I'm not afraid of my calling.
Nor am I afraid of the fact that, because of my vowing of myself to the Lord, I am officially near the top of 'Satan's Most Wanted' list.
Bring it on, dude.
I'm a child of God, and He protects me.

Search me, O Lord.

I don't even have the words right now.
Just know that I trust You, Lord, with everything that I am and everything that I have.

Guide me.

A Heart Set Ablaze

I want an old school fire.

I want a "John Wesley, Martin Luther, George Whitefield, Charles Spurgeon, Leonard Ravenhill" kind of fire. I'm sick of this "emergent, make everyone happy" fire. That's not fire. Fire burns.
I want to be burnt alive by the fire of God. Not made comfortable by the fire of this world.

There's got to be more of God than the world is giving me.
This can't be all.

I will find this fire.
I will find the presence of the God who is a 'consuming fire'.
Even if it means the end of my life.
Mark my words.

"I set myself on fire and people come to watch me burn."
-John Wesley

Jesus Loves Me This I know.

One day I'll look back on all of this, and I'll truly see just how FAR You have brought me, O Lord.

"Lay Hold"

Lay your life, your dreams, your desires, your sin at the foot of the cross.
Pick up HIS dreams, HIS desires, HIS burdens.
And above all else, pick up your cross and GO!
And don't you ever look back at what you've left behind.
Just know that it's covered by the blood, and will no longer be held against you.
When you stumble, get up quickly and dust yourself off, lest you tarry in your sin.
When you trip, regain composure and ask God for His strength.
Do not look to the left nor to the right, lest your eyes be enticed by the lusts of this world.
Just press on and press through, fighting the good fight of faith, and persevering, making sure to stop along the way to aid any fallen brethren, and to encourage any lagging behind.
And when you make it to that Glorious City, where for eternity, you will be praising the God that poured out His rich mercy on you;
When you make it to the throne room, with it's thousands of believers worshiping at the feet of God;
Make sure you find me.
So I can throw my arms around your neck and tell you how glad I am that you made it, and how excited I am to worship God with you until forever more.
You are my family.
And we will win this fight together, by the grace of our Lord Jesus!!
Because:
He. Is. Worthy.
We will take the Nations together, by the grace of God!!
Because:
He. Is. WORTHY.
So, GO.
Go, and never return.

'It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.'

Dear God:

If I could sing you a thousand love songs, I would.
But you see, I have trouble finding the words sometimes, and I don't exactly know how to express myself most of the time. I'm clumsy and I can be pretty awkward. My feelings get hurt pretty easy, and I'm not as tough as I act sometimes.

I'm laying here, Lord, and I'm wondering, why did You make me the way I am?

Why did you give me a heart full of so much love that I feel like it's going to explode on people at any given moment?
Why did you give me a love for animals that impacts me so much that I try to pray for animals that are hurt to be healed?
Why have you put the urge to be married and have a husband so deep in my heart?
Why do I cry when I see a beautiful sunrise or sunset?
Why do I feel at peace during a thunderstorm?
Why does my heart beat faster when I see two people deeply in love?
Why do I have blue/green eyes and blonde hair?
Why do I love to have friends?
Why does music about You give me the chills?
Why do I laugh when I feel rain on my skin?
Why do words have such meaning for me?
Why do I cry for no reason at all sometimes?
Why do I get so afraid of my future?
Why do I play some songs on repeat and still never tire of them?
Why is my favorite season winter?
Why do I want to hold someone's hand one day, and never let go?
Why do I get so mad sometimes?
Why don't I like myself a lot of the time?
Why do you put specific people in my life that make me feel so much love and beauty, but then take them away?
Why can't I get over this stupid love nonsense and just be satisfied with You?
Why can't I forgive myself?
Why can't I feel you sometimes?
Why is it so hard to just drop it all and seek Your heart?
Why do I always have to mess up and hurt You?
Why do I put so much trust in my feelings?
Why do I ask so many stupid questions?
Why can't I see what you're doing with my life?
Why can't I just freaking cry until it hurts like I know I need too?
Why are you breaking my heart right now?

I am SO insecure.
I am SO inadequate.
I am SO unprepared.
I am SO broken.
I am SO messy.

I want all of this love and all of these things, but I am far from ready. I am still such a wreck. I just want to cry! But the tears refuse to come. My heart is heavy, and I am lost on what to do.

I'm not doubting my salvation or struggling in my walk.
It's just one of those times when your insides hurt and you want to be broken by God but it won't come.

I let my head and my heart get the best of my sometimes and it never ends up good.
There's not a specific reason I feel this way, but suddenly the feelings are there.
Mm.
The Lord is good despite how I feel or how it looks to me.

God.. "Sometimes I cry when it's late at night, and You're not there to lay next to me."
At least it feels that way.
I love You.